Often a batterer seems so nice because he's a batterer. He saves up all his frustration and resentment for one big blowup. He needs, curiously enough, to learn to be more assertive in his everyday life, and to recognize his feelings before they build up. He also needs to address the insecurity that often underlies his battering--his fear that you will leave him, which he sadly ends up causing. These are things you can't fix for him, and I think battered women should keep in mind the al-anon phrase, "You didn't cause it, so you can't cure it." [And his assertions that your behavior did, indeed cause him to beat you is his way of saving face. No matter how you behave, he should not use violence. If you were treating him that badly, he should just leave!]
It took me years to understand these things and leave my former marriage. It took years also before I reconditioned myself to look for different qualities in a partner. I am now happily married to someone who can voice his feelings before they reach such a fever-pitch, respectfully, and will calmly talk things through when we disagree. I have never been happier in my life. I wish that happiness for every one of you. And it is in your power to grasp.
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Last updated 1-21-99.