The Chocolate Ritual
by John L. Shepard

["Copyright 1993, John L. Shepard. Permission is given to repost as long as the contents are unaltered and this notice is attached."]

"Minor additions by S'BAT Chapter made with the author's permission."


Materials required:

On the altar are:
brown candles,
a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the athame),
a large glass with milk in it (the chalice),
a small dish of Hershey's Syrup and a spoon,
a small dish of chocolate sprinkles,
a plate of cupcakes,
some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet,
and small dish of chocolate ice cream.

The Celebrants:
Handmaiden (Henceforth known as Swiss Miss)
High Priestess (Henceforth known as Betty Crocker)
Page (Henceforth known as Pillsbury Dough Boy)
High Priest (Henceforth known as Mr. Goodbar)

Cleanse the Sacred Space

Pillsbury Dough Boy takes the small dish of chocolate sprinkles:

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no harm adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Swiss Miss take the small dish of Hershey's Syrup, spoon and large glass with milk

Hershey's Syrup where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come unto me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

Cast The Circle

Betty Crocker using a tootsie roll as athame walks around the circle three times

Mr. Goodbar intones the invocation

In the beginning,
there was the word.
And the word was Chocolate.
And it was good.
Confections: 1.5 oz., 240 cal.

Call the Quarters

Betty Crocker
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great princess of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers
approaching from the East.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great prince of the palace decadence!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets approaching from the South.

Swiss Miss
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great princess of the palace of thirst quenchers!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob approaching from the West.

Mr. Goodbar
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy comfort food!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching from the North.


Pillsbury Dough Boy:
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called:
Godiva, Suzi Q, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Fanny Farmer, Sara Lee, and by many other names:

Swiss Miss:
Whenever you have one of those cravings,
once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full,
then shall you assemble in a great public place
and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me,
who is Queen of all Goodies.

In the mall shall you assemble,
you who have eaten all of your chocolate and are hungry for more.
To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression.
And as a sign that you are truly free,
you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks,
and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence.

For mine is the ecstasy of theobromine,
and mine is also the joy on earth,
yea, even into high orbit
for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand".
Keep clean your fingers,
carry Wet Ones always,
let none keep you from Me.

For Mine is the secret that opens your mouth,
and Mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips
and comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy
onto the tummies of women and men.

Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious,
and beyond death
well, I can't do much there.
Sorry about that.

I demand only your money in sacrifice,
for behold,
chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles
before you eat them.

Pillsbury Dough Boy:
Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess,
she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations,
whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:

Betty Crocker:
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips,
and the satisfying softness of big bars,
the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles,
and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire,
call unto thy soul to arise and come unto Me.

For I am the soul of candy,
from Me do all confections spring,
and unto Me all of you shall return,
again.... and again... and again.... and again.

Before My smeared face,
beloved of women and men,
thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.
Let My taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are My rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess,
crispness and crackling,
big slabs and bite size pieces,
peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you.

And you who think to seek Me,
know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not
unless you know the Mystery:
"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it"

For behold:
I have been with you since you were just a baby,
and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed be.

Pillsbury Dough Boy:
Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called:
Milton Snavely Hershey, 3 Muskateers, Fudgesicle, Devil Dog, Mars, Willy Wonka and by many other names:

Mr. Goodbar:
I am the strength of the candy rack,
and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have
gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate.

No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate,
I will hunt you out,
and I will become your sacred prey.

I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter,
and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.

I give you My creatures,
the fire of love of chocolate,
the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out.

You are dear to Me,
and I instill in you the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight
with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.

By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun,
I charge you,
by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot
and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you,
and by the beauty of a perfectly formed Reese's Peanut Butter Cup,
I charge you.

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you.
The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy.
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa,
and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.

Yet you must be wary of deceit.
Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate",
for it is vile and bitter.

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you.
Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.
Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always,
just over your shoulder,
or around the next corner.

I am the Lord of Chocolate,
and when you have reached the end of you hoard,
I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner.

I am the spirit of the wild child,
the inner child who can never get quite enough.
If you are a true chocolate lover,
then your soul and mine are intertwined.

Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo

Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo

Mr. Goodbar:
Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate

Betty Crocker:
Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate

Pillsbury Dough Boy:
For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"

Swiss Miss:
And neither one is carob

Mr. Goodbar:
As the frosting is to the cupcake

Betty Crocker:
So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar

Pillsbury Dough Boy:
And when they are eaten,
they are yummy in truth,

Swiss Miss:
for there is no greater snack in all the world
than one made of chocolate.

blessing of the cupcakes

Mr. Goodbar & Pillsbury Dough Boy:
Frosting is keen

Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss:
And frosting is neat

Mr. Goodbar, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss:
Great Goddess! Let's eat!

Feasting and Drinking

Dismiss Quarters

Betty Crocker:
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the East,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants:

Pillsbury Dough Boy:
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the South,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants:

Swiss Miss:
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the West,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants:

Mr. Goodbar:
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the North,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants:

Mr. Goodbar: After all quarters have been dismissed,
give a final satisfying belch at the east

Open Circle

Pillsbury Dough Boy: Go now in perfect love,
perfect trust,
and perfect chocolate

From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny.

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